I was looking at a photo in front of me, listening to songs suiting to the situation and trying to recollect some ornamental language to write a story on the phase I was going through. Songs were changing from one to another and what the hell? All the sad songs not a single rock number in my playlist! I was not going to let any tear to come down but how much could you resist yourself from crying? “With every drop of tear you lose, you make yourself feel better” I had heard it somewhere but it is just a saying and mainly men don’t cry, it’s all women’s business. Oh no! What was I thinking? “First switch those tragic songs off”, I told to myself. I switched them off and made a way to tears. Yes, I was crying and don’t know why! There was no reason for that. Nothing I had lost or had failed somewhere. Wait a second! Nothing had I lost? That’s not true. I had lost the contact with my friends. I had lost the contact with my family. I completely was drifted apart from the whole world.
In front of me were the photos sliding from one to another on my newly bought mobile (My only machine which at least helped me to communicate few minutes a day.) My thinking process was in a full speed and my mind was visiting the sweet past memories. Does everybody go through the same state of mind when alone? I was sitting alone at home, crying. These lonely days are like monsters. They remind us that we humans love to be social, to talk to someone, to have someone to live with you than sitting alone with nothing to do. My mobile was displaying the pic of mine with friends partying in hotel. It was the same day exactly one year ago, 31st December. We were chilling out in New Year’s bash. Time had brought me here to be alone on New Year’s Eve. Last year we all had decided to meet at least once a year because I was leaving my town for higher education. But resolutions are never meant to be kept and I am here away from my town without a single meeting of my family and of friends in the whole year.
To come over the dullness I decided to take a walk, a refreshing walk to the beach. I was on my way. Atmosphere on the street was very charming. Everybody was set to welcome the New Year which was about to arrive.
“What a bullshit is all this?” I thought, “There is nothing to celebrate this New Year. Days are gonna come and go it’s a simple cycle.”
” Why all such thoughts don’t come to my mind in every New Year party which I become an integral part of?”
Amid of the thinking process I happened to run into a girl. “Hey can’t you see?” I shouted at her. She was with her friends, partying, shouting and dancing to her fullest. She got up; her face was fully covered with the messy hair. She was shocked to see me. Then stood stunned and then said sorry in a low tone. “Sorry” and “It’s all right” the regular conversation took place and I moved forward. Sometimes accepting an apology isn’t that easy as it seems. My mind’s instant reflex was to hit her but somehow managed to be calm. Charming surrounding was not helping me a bit to come over the state of my mind.
“Why am I so sad? Have I become a psycho? What is this all going on?” I couldn’t answer.
And in all this I came to know that I was not on the right way. There was no beach ahead there. I had forgotten road to it. It assured me that I hadn’t lost my mind completely. At least I was able to know that I was not on the right track and the beach was my destination. I asked a girl the address and to my surprise, she was the same girl I had run into. She was still partying. (“Still partying?” It had been only few minutes I had seen her. Those minutes were like hours to me but not to her. I was upset she wasn’t.) But it seemed that she hadn’t recognized me or maybe she had, but pretending so. “She has recognized me or not, whatever! You have nothing to do with it. ” I told to myself. I asked her right way to beach and headed to it.
On my way I decided to think about something else like.......aaaaaaaaaa....... like “Benefits of being alone.” Wow! What a great topic I had chosen? Damn! The word ‘alone’ had stuck to my mind and wasn’t allowing it to visit other topics. “You can do anything at any time you want, when alone.” First benefit made its mark. “Anything like, dancing singing in your own style or you can roam around naked in house.” Like I had noticed my biceps the same day. “They surely have grown up. Now I can start wearing sleeveless T-shirts outside also.” “You can watch porn anytime you want” Second benefit walked through. But it’s no fun watching it alone than with the friends or hiding it from your parents with fear of getting caught. How badly was I thinking? It is rightly said that “The empty mind is devils workshop”. Person who wrote this must have gone through the same situation as of mine. “I can write a good story on such a situation” another devil entered in my mind. “But what could be its end? Suicide? No, happy ending is better.” “What am I doing this? Thinking myself a great writer or what?” I asked myself. “Discard the thought of the story and try to think normally” I was telling, rather guiding myself. But in all this thinking process I didn’t notice that I was standing on the beach in front of the sea.
Whenever we go to a beach, why do we always see the visible very end of it? Why do we always try to look beyond the horizon? While standing on the shore playing with the tides why is it that the point of horizon where the sky and sea appears to meet is always the view of our sight? Is this the way human behaviour is shaped?
It was the full moon night. I was enjoying the show of tides. “Tides and the moon separated by such a large distance but they are still connected and look at me, simple man living on earth but still aloof” I thought. Then I also tried to recollect some good sayings on the sea but the couples, their hand in hand distracted my thinking process. “I don’t even have a girlfriend; my life is truly a waste.” I thought. “Can only a girlfriend give meaning to your life (college life)? There are many other things to do too.” I was thinking about girlfriends and meaning of life and in the same moment the beach completely illuminated. It was the bang of the New Year 2010. I had entered in New Year with no resolution, no motto.
I was on my way back to home and saw some slum kids gathered on the footpath. Despite of being sad I thanked god for bestowing me some extra privileges and not giving me life like theirs. But then I saw a girl standing between them distributing chocolates. She was the same whom I had encountered twice that day. I stood aside to look at them (at them or at her more precisely). She appeared more beautiful this time. She was surrounded by kids. Her friends were accompanying her. I was fascinated by her. (I didn’t have reason for that fascination.) I was going near to her.
“What do I talk to her? How do I start the conversation?” all such questions didn’t come to my mind. I was just moving to her (blank minded). I was standing in front of her and she was looking at me puzzled. I was just looking at her without uttering a single word. “Karan, talk something talk! Whatever comes to your mind. Don’t ogle at her like that. ” I was telling myself. “Hi I am totally attracted to you.” These words were about to bombard her but I kept my mouth shut. I still was staring foolishly at her.
“May I help you?” Her voice was so sweet. Hey man, only she could have helped me at that time.
“Yes, yes!” I replied after the long pause. “You might not remember me but we have met twice today and this is the third time.”
“So?” her question was obvious. I was that mad to start like that. I hate myself sometimes.
“Hey, I just wanna know that what are you doing here? I mean you don’t look like a social worker?”
Sometimes my mind shows a great presence of mind “I am not as dumb as I think of myself. I think I have guts to be in a conversation when you have nothing to speak especially with the girl (a minx).”
“Who told you that I am a social worker?” she questioned.
“No, I can see it. I mean you are here with these kids at this time instead of partying.”
“Oh..These kids! I do come here to meet them every week. They are part of my life.” “Actually I am an engineering student and I like to be here with them. We have lot of fun together with some teaching sessions. I think this is our responsibility to serve the society and not any social work.”
I was impressed again. Even if she would have abused me I would have taken it as a gift at that time. She had lured my mind (With what? I don’t know). Her thoughts were on my mind. “Hey can you give me your mobile number? I would also like to work with you for these kids.” How did I ask her that I don’t know? Words just came out. I didn’t even know her name.
“What is your name?”
“Ayesha”
“Myself Karan!”
Wow her name was so sweet. “What is that sweet with the name Ayesha?” Now I think that but at that time I was truly into her. Is it called the love at first sight? I don’t know much about this love thing. That time I only knew one thing that I wanted to meet her wanted to talk to her and nothing else. So I made a New Year resolution which I was struggling to find. “This year I am going to make a girlfriend.” And that was full and final.
The next day when I woke up was the first day of New Year and was first day of my resolution also. My first call was going to be hers. I called her, I didn’t even know when I added her number in my speed dial number’s list.
“Hey, I was just thinking if you are free we could meet today?”
“Ya, sure why not.”
Thank you my lord, after a long time of being alone at last I was going to be with someone and that to a sweet beautiful girl. After sorrows my joyful days were back. We had decided to meet at Bandra station and I was there 15 min earlier. I had ecstatically planned the day with lunch movie etc etc. I saw her near the gate. She was coming near to me. She was appealing more beautiful with her each step towards me and at the same rate as of appeal my heart was pounding.
“Hey how is life??”
“Good. What about you?”
“Ya, same here.”
These usual words from her mouth too were sanguine for me. I was foolishly staring at her trying to capture each and every moment of mine with her.
“We have to take these kids to Nehru Planetarium today.”
Oh! That was the reason she had agreed to meet me at once. I was so fallen into her that I couldn’t even notice the kids surrounding us.
“Damn you kids.” All my dreams of a perfect date were crashed.
What other things I had to do to get this girl, I didn’t know.
“Nehru Planetarium....” was the last on the list of places I had decided to visit in Mumbai. All my plans were going to be dumped in the silly planetarium. We reached to the planetarium. I at least was with her instead of being alone at home. We were sitting in a dome shaped theatre watching a show showing some crap about the galaxy. “It isn’t a complete shit.” I thought. “Maybe I can propose her here where all the planets will accompany me. And so saga of my love will be talked on other planets too. An alien will be inspired by me to get his/her (or it I don’t know what do we call them) love. Or maybe they will come here to visit me and so I can save lot of money which many countries are spending to find them. And my name will be written in the history as a hero who found out aliens. Wow this is amazing! Nehru planetarium you are not that bad too. You are going to give a new dimension to my love story.” Seriously, when you are in love you live in your own little world (In this case it was the whole galaxy).
It was the time to take the leave.
“Karan, do you have time tomorrow. May be we can meet.”
I was waiting curiously for this. “For you I will make time to run behind me.” I told myself.
“So see you tomorrow then bye.”
“See you tomorrow” how beautiful these three little words are. More or less they keep your hope alive of meeting someone.
The next day I called Vishal to tell him about my to be girlfriend.
“Hey Vishal, I think I am in love. No, I don’t think I am sure it’s love.”
“Have you gone mad or what? I am in love ha ha. There is no such a thing like love yaar. It’s just an attraction don’t take it seriously. Moreover these girlfriends are going to come and go they are not a permanent thing. Forget it and chill out.”
I cursed myself for calling him. I was in such a great dream and he just rumpled it. “But am I truly in love or it is just an attraction? Is this a serious thing? Is it just all about my new year’s resolution?” I didn’t know any of these things. All I knew that time was I just wanted to be with her and nothing else. We continued to meet at various events like teaching those children, taking them on tour. I was not at all interested in social work it was only her I was going there. I was very much impressed with her way of talking, her way of carrying herself and her helping nature. I used to forget the whole world when she used to be with me. Things were going fine. Every day or other we would meet. I thought that she was also falling for me. I was planning to propose her.
But (Sometimes this “but” word really annoys.) one day when I was just surfing on the net, I saw a link of a YouTube video. The video was about the condition of children in India. It was full of problems of these kids, India is facing. It contained malnutrition, child abuse, and child labour. While I was watching the video I saw Ayesha was online and we started chatting. We talked about our next destination, fund raising etc. Even our chatting was over I was still thinking about Ayesha. But when I tried to picture her she didn’t come alone. The kids, yes those kids were always with her. Whenever I tried to think about her one thought among all those love thoughts was of the kids. The condition of those kids was not different from those whom I had seen in the video.
“How bad the condition of most of the children in India is?” I thought “How can anybody make use of them? Wait! How can I ask this question? I don’t have any right to ask when I myself was making use of them to persuade Ayesha. They are not a thing to use.”
I cursed my friend for sending me that email of video. I had never thought so deeply about anything before this and why the hell that video did make me think? I was not going on the right way. There was nothing wrong about resolution of getting a girlfriend but my way to the resolution was not right. I didn’t know whether it was right or wrong. I just didn’t want to catch that way. Why did I think like that? I don’t know. But it really had made its mark. I truly had got serious about it. I think I was like a virgin in these love matters and was taking it very seriously. I decided not to meet Ayesha by making use of those kids. “But then there should be a reason to meet her?”
“Maybe I can go there as a social worker itself. But I won’t be able to move my sight aside her and it will again be like using them.” This thought of “making use of kids” was completely on my mind. So I decided not to visit her again and should focus on something else. I stopped meeting her started giving her reasons for not meeting and avoiding her calls.
It had been ten days I hadn’t met her or even called. I was feeling very sad about it. The charm of my life had completely gone and my lonely days were back again. I decided to go back to my town for the change.
I was on the railway station waiting for the train to my town. But again I heard the announcement that the train is going to be late by 2 hours because of the technical difficulty.
“Can’t anything go right with me? How can a railway face technical difficulty even though our country is producing the best engineers? When I will become an engineer I will not keep any flaws in whatever I produce.” I had started making future plans there itself. And then amid of great engineering thinking I saw Ayesha coming to me. She was walking very fast nearly running and looking same like I had seen her for the very first time.
“What do I talk to her? What answers will I give her?” I didn’t know so I turned my face to other side. “Why this train had to be late today only? Seriously you engineers I am going to sue you.”
“Hey Karan where were you? You didn’t even come or pick up my call. What is happening? Is everything fine? Please tell me if you have any problem.” She literally bombarded me. But I could not have answered any one of them. She was gasping I asked her to relax and offered her water.
“Everything is fine with me. I was just busy with college so couldn’t come.”
“Don’t lie. The college has just started. How come you are so busy?” she had caught me. “Please tell me if you have any problem I will at least try to help.”
“Look Ayesha everything is fine.”
“No, please tell me what’s wrong. I know there is something.”
Now I had to tell her “Look everything is ok except..”
“What? What is it? ”
“Please don’t get mad at me. I shouldn’t really say this but I think I have feelings for you.”
“Why did I say this. Now things will get worse than I had thought.” She was just staring at me shocked.
“Ayesha, look it is not a big deal. I was not interested in those kids I was interested in you that is why I used to come with you. It was for you only. I am completely mad about you. But now I have understood my mistake. I shouldn’t have used those kids to meet you. That is why I stopped seeing you.” I was feeling very relaxed after telling her about my feelings and was just waiting for her reply.
“What are you saying Karan? I didn’t see at you in this way. I am sorry yaar I don’t feel about you like you do. But please don’t stop visiting the kids.”
“But if I see them again I will be having this feeling of guilt. And I cannot go with it. I am sorry.” I told her.
“You don’t need to be sorry Karan. These kids do like you a lot. They always keep on asking me about you. At least for them you should come.”
“No, I don’t think I will be able to come again.”
“Look, I cannot force you to come. But you are not at all making any use of the kids and in fact they like you. Maybe if you continue to come I will also start liking you. You only had told me that you feel alone at home. Maybe spending time with us will serve both the purposes. You just have to look at the things with different perspective and the same thing will appear to be different completely. Please think on it.”
I was really amazed with her way of thinking. “Why not to give it another chance? Instead of crying at home for being alone and doing nothing I can be with these kids. And who can say Ayesha may feel the same about me someday.” Now I was changing my mind.
“Okay lets meet tomorrow.” And I was getting back to life with its charm. What magic she had made with her words? I didn’t know but that philosophy was truly encouraging. “Instead of complicating why not to look at the life with ease as it is and enjoy its every moment” I was also thinking philosophically.
“But where are you going with the bag?” she asked.
“I was here to see off my friend. He is going to Nagpur.”
“And he left his bag here for you?” why do girls always ask questions?
“No, he forgot it.” such a stupid answer. But I didn’t care for that, all I knew was “I am going to be with them tomorrow.”
I was going home from the station. I had got the good end for the story about which I was thinking on New Year’s night but this was the new beginning.
